he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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