508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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