I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
