walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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