I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
