Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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