just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
