Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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