hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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