Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We don't watch enough power rangers
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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