I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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