hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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