I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
