Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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