my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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