Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
