You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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