i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
