why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
