WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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