the condom got lost in my hair
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
