We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
