nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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