I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
