went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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