I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
