Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
