Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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