So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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