My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
