Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
