so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
