woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
