i love accidental penises.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
