I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
