Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
