So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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