it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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