It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I still have a little drunk in my system
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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