We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this beer tastes like vomit already
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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