Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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