this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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