I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
