if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
