Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I am available for nakedness
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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