awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You are a genius and a whore.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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