last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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