god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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