as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
