Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
