this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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